Paleomedicine
2025 Update: This was originally a two-person project. I am unfortunately unable to ask if I can use their contributions for this updated entry. Given the inflammatory nature of the content, I will only revisit my own contributions to this updated piece. To be clear, this project is satire and not to be believed, taken seriously, acted upon, or anything beyond potentially laughed at. This stuff reads differently in the modern day, if you continue onwards, you will see why I am really trying to stress that this project was satire. This project is how we learned about Poe’s Law. I can’t recommend learning about it more. Especially if you wish to due satire in a digital world where works of fiction/art may last a beyond the time they were ‘edgy’. Paleomedicine was originally intended as a parody of the idea of a hardline Paleo diet, and its rhetoric used to entirely dismiss progress in agriculture and culinary practices whole cloth. There is always room for criticism, but you also cannot throw out the metaphorical baby out with the bath water. It was the usage of rhetoric seen in social media trolling, biased debate, and character assassinations. I can't decide if the increase in this behaviour in the mainstream is surprising. Either way, a few of my contributions from the short-lived project can be found below.
Originally posted elsewhere between Feb-Apr 2016. Mildly revised as only drafts are available.
CUTTING TEETH
We all know how much of a pain teething children can be. If only there was a way to get this over and done with quickly and causes us as little pain as possible. Well there used to be a method that achieved just this and its time it came back into medical fashion. When a baby’s teeth would begin the process of coming through the gums surgeons can take a scalpel and slice open the tissue over the teeth to allow them to come through. It's a process called Cutting Teeth. You may have even heard the phrase before, That's how common this used to be.
Or if surgery on your child seems too drastic of an option for you, there is always Mrs Winslow's Soothing Syrup. Science truly peaked with the combination of alcohol and morphine for infants.
Eat This Bacteria
I tell you what, I'm sick of buying antibiotics from these so called modern 'doctors'. More like pill swindling thugs for #bigpharma. They've been selling so many antibiotics that they may run out. I say it's time we start using some alternative medical treatments and take our health back out of the hands of industry. 21 years after reports of antibacterial properties of rivers in India, French-Canadian microbiologist Félix d'Hérelle discovered a virus that was parasitic to bacteria. He named them Bacteriophages.
Looks like the future to me, what happened?
Bacteriophage therapy was a treatment developed in a country denied modern medical techniques and is still being used there today. Many studies have even been performed on the efficacy of Bacteriophages. They are viruses that attack and kill bacteria! Antibiotics will be wishing to be this effective.
It's nice to have choices when you need to see to your health.
A Well Poisoned Meme
I feel that scientists are asking for a little bit too much trust from the public. How do we know that these wild, scary, and uncomfortable claims are true. Sure, they are double blind, placebo-controlled tests but why should we let that penetrate our wall of ignorance? Like all the greatest minds we think a big strong wall should be erect to keep away things we don't understand.
 A great wall from the view of someone high enough to either believe in or commit directed panspermia
Look at Francis Crick for example. He was one of the co-discoverers of DNA. He also believed in the idea of Directed Panspermia. Directed Panspermia is the notion that life could have been started on earth from biological matter from space. It also suggests that we may be able to send biological matter to uninhabited planets to seed life there. In face "Panspermia" is derived from Greek and means "All Seed". Look at the Greek economy, now back at me, now back at the Greek economy, and finally back to me. I think we can dismiss everything they have ever achieved too, don’t you?
The fact that Francis Crick thought this idea is worth considering is evidence that he can't be trusted. As such I move that the idea of DNA be removed from medical history. We here at Paleomedicine would like to return to medicines glory days of the four humours (Yellow bile, Black bile, Blood, and Phlegm). This way a medical degree will be much easier. Resulting in more, and cheaper, doctors. This will return us to a healthier society.